Not knowing what the future holds for me I've been giving a lot of thought to what I might be able to involve myself in. Big ticket items are out but I thought quite possibly smaller less complicated commodities might afford a better opportunity. With that in mind I thought I'd better bone up on my technique.

This started out as "How to sell a Stimulus Package" but after that debacle was superseded by a new Constitutional catastrophe it could have been re-named "How to Sell Health Care Reform". But alas, it's now too late for that as well, so we may as well grab the KY and get ready for the next one, "How to Sell Cap and Trade".

Please pray to whatever you believe in that we don't soon start counting in whatever comes after trillions...


HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.
They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something,
Then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off:
"I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly,
"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit
And I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained
To everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.
"$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher,
"What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher,
"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny,
"I set up a Dip & Chip stand.
I gave everybody who walked by a sample.
They all said the same thing,
"Hey, this tastes like shit!"
Then I would say,
"It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?

LMAO, good one!

LOL!!!!!
Good one!

Don't encourage me...

Guy says to his wife one night as he arrives home from work...
"Honey, what would you do if I hit the Lottery?"
To which she shrewdly replied;
"Why I'd take half your money and leave you flat!"

"Great!" says he, "I won twelve bucks, here's your six now get the f*&% out!"

Dear John,
I hope that you can help me. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband at home watching T.V. After traveling about a mile my car stalled and wouldn't restart so I walked home to get my husband to help. When I arrived I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in bed with our neighbors 19 year old daughter.

I'm 32 and my husband is 34, and we've been married for almost ten years. He later broke down and admitted that this had been going on for almost a year. He won't go to counseling and I am a wreck and need some advice about what to do. I hope that you can help me!

Desperately,
Sheila



Dear Sheila,

There are a lot of possible engine problems that can cause a car to stall after being driven only a short distance. Check to be certain that there is no debris in the fuel line. Once you've made sure that it is clear check the vacuum pipes and hoses that attach to the intake manifold. Also check all of the electrical ground wires. If none of these solves the problem it could well be the fuel pump itself which is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

Hope this was helpful.

John


Who says we're not in touch with our feelings?

A Woman's Perfect Day


8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses

8:30 Weigh-in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday

8:45 Breakfast in bed-freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open
presents- expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner

9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil

10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer

10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave

12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café

12:45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notice that she has gained 22 lbs

1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit

3:00 Nap

4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from secret admirer

4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk says he rarely gets to work on
such a perfect body

5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe

7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
received from other diners/ dancers

10:00 Hot shower- alone

10:50 Carried to bed. freshly ironed, crisp, white linen

11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms



A Man's Perfect Day

6:00 Alarm

6:15 Oral Sex

6:30 Massive, satisfying crap while reading the sports section

7:00 Breakfast: steak and eggs, coffee and toast-all cooked by naked, buxom
wench who bends over a lot

7 :30 Limo arrives

7:45 Several beers en route to the airport

9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet

9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)

9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)

11:45 Lunch-steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Peringon

12:15 Oral Sex

12:30 Play back nine (4 under)

2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)

2:30 Fly to Bahamas

3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also
bend over a lot

4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)-on light tackle

5:00 Fly home, massage and happy ending by naked Elle Macpherson

6:45 Crap, shower and shave

7:30 Dinner-lobster appetizers, Dom Peringon (1953), big juicy fillet
steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of breasts

9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies

11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer

11:30 Night-cap oral sex

11:45 In bed alone

11:50 A 22-second fart; which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to
leave the room

11:51 Laughs himself to sleep




Too much?

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. This will only become more commonplace with warm weather. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe’s, Home Depot, or Costco customers. I must say, this one caught me by surprise. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works.

Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also September 1st & 4th, twice on the 5th, 6th, 8th, 9th, 11th, 13th, 15th 17th, and 18th, three times last Monday the 21st and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. A friend told me to check the 99 cent store but I haven’t yet. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe’s, Home Depot, and Costco.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.


And my wife wants to know why I always go to Home Depot alone...

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Flo or 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

S t ill, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

T he second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

LMFAO!

After 25 yrs. of marriage to wife number last...I gotta million of 'em.

If you haven't seen this you have never laughed...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7Y0I91rubg

Milt is the man!

all very good worknfool.
We need a topic just for all of your jokes.

LMAO, those are all good!

The Dinner Roll . . .

Once upon a time I was invited to the White House for a private dinner with the President.

I am a respected businessman, with a factory that produces memory chips for computers and portable electronics.

There was some talk that my industry was being scrutinized by the administration, but I paid it no mind. I live in a FREE country. There's nothing that the government can do to me if I've broken no laws. My wealth was EARNED honestly, and an invitation to dinner with an American President is an honor.

I checked my coat, was greeted by the Chief of Staff, and joined the President in a yellow dining room. We sat across from each other at a table draped in white linen. The Great Seal was embossed on the china. Uniformed staff served our dinner.

The meal was served, and I was startled when my waiter suddenly reached out, plucked a dinner roll off my plate and began nibbling it as he walked back to the kitchen..

"Sorry 'bout that," said the President. "Andrew is very hungry."

"I don't appreciate..." I began, but as I looked into the calm brown eyes across from me, I felt immediately guilty and petty. It was just a dinner roll. "Of course," I concluded, and reached for my glass.

Before I could, however, another waiter reached forward, took the glass away and swallowed the wine in a single gulp. "And his brother, Eric, is very thirsty," said the President.

I didn't say anything. The President is testing my compassion, I thought. I withheld my comments and decided to play along. I don't want to seem unkind..

My plate was whisked away before I had tasted a bite.

"Eric's children are also quite hungry."

With a lurch, I crashed to the floor. My chair had been pulled out from under me. I stood, brushing myself off angrily, and watched as it was carried from the room.

"And their grandmother can't stand for long."

I excused myself, smiling outwardly, but inside feeling like a fool. Obviously I had been invited to the White House to be sport for some game. I reached for my coat, to find that it had been taken. I turned back to the President.

"Their grandfather doesn't like the cold."

I wanted to shout, "that was my coat!" But again, I looked at the placid smiling face of my host and decided I was being a poor sport. I spread my hands helplessly and chuckled. Then I felt my hip pocket and realized my wallet was gone. I excused myself and walked to a phone on an elegant side table.

I learned shortly that my credit cards had been maxed out, my bank accounts emptied, my retirement and equity portfolios had vanished, and my wife had been thrown out of our home.

Apparently, the waiters and their families were moving in. The President hadn't moved or spoken as I learned all this, but finally I lowered the phone into its cradle and turned to face him.

"Andrew's whole family has made bad financial decisions. They haven't planned for retirement and they need a house. They recently defaulted on a subprime mortgage. I told them they could have your home. They need it more than you do."

My hands were shaking. I felt faint I stumbled back to the table and knelt on the floor. The President cheerfully cut his meat, ate his steak, and drank his wine. I lowered my eyes and stared at the small gray circles on the tablecloth that were water drops.

"By the way," he added, "I have just signed an Executive Order nationalizing your factories. I'm firing you as head of your business. I'll be operating the firm now for the benefit of all mankind. There's a whole bunch of Erics and Andrews out there and they can't come to you for jobs groveling like beggars...we need to spread YOUR wealth around..."

I looked up. The President dropped his spoon into the empty ramekin which had been his crème Brule. He drained the last drops of his wine. As the table was cleared, he lit a cigarette and leaned back in his chair. He stared at me. I clung to the edge of the table as if it were a ledge and I were a man hanging over an abyss.

I thought of the years behind me, of the life I had lived. The life I had earned with a lifetime of work, risk and struggle. Why was I punished? How had I allowed it to be taken? What game had I played and lost? I looked across the table and noticed with some surprise that there was no game board between us.

What had I done wrong?

As if answering the unspoken thought, President Obama suddenly cocked his head, locked his empty eyes to mine, and bared a million teeth, chuckling wryly as he folded his hands.

"You could have stopped me at the dinner roll," he said.



Who is John Galt?